I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Randomize
