forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
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