you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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