I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
I could fuck to npr.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Randomize
