you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
Oh eartly, In cocy youtu youchv make the wallflowers d tskunks!y, couch protection now,.sryou should feel special !
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
