I showed him my bush... on skype.
That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
Its Shannon Doherty lazy not Forest Whittaker lazy
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Randomize
