Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
