whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
Randomize
