Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
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