The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
