meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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