Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Randomize