Where did you get a picture of my penis
Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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