did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
This girls' body was nothing short of spectacular...her face, was like the '09 Detroit Lions
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
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