Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Apparently you make a good broom.
I dont think problem is the right word. Problems arent something you enjoy. Life would be too boring without gambling.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Randomize
