I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
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