I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
Four minutes until I can fart!
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
The cops high fived after they tackled you
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
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