i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
Randomize
