You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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