Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
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