You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Randomize
