I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
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