so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize
