No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
Randomize
