Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
