I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
Yes perhaps we are both wrong. And did you call me bj girl?
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
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