this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
