i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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