break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
