A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
