You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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