all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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