I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize