did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
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