so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
Randomize
