Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
