I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
Randomize
