I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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