One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
