By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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