THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
My Higher Power is John Stamos
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Randomize
