I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
Randomize
