You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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