11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
It's 3am, i just got back from ht e bars and registered for classes larteeeeee. History of baseball at 8am? at least ill meet the only stragiht gusy at NYU!
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
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