remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
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