I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
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