Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
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