covered in glitter, my cheek hurts, and theres a handprint on my face. Would i do it again. Absolutly
I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
People with herpes should wear stickers.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Randomize
