I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
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