Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
I can't turn off my feet"
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
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