i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Randomize
