I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Randomize
