You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
Randomize