my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
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