Pants 0. Shit 1.
Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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