I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
Randomize
