so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize
